The end bit was the hardest though. She started to talk about the handful of clues she found both before and after his death: a negative comment, journal entries, notes to friends, etc. He actually had a duffel bag full of notes he'd written to and received from friends. He talked about feeling hopeless. About being scared of the future and growing up, of not measuring up to expectations. He mentioned being depressed and suicidal.
His mom said that at the point he'd written the note she read to us, he was in the 'hopelessness' stage of depression, and that that's the point where someone needs to be watched 24/7, because if they truly feel that there's nothing to live for then they're in danger of harming themselves. That part was triggering, and it made me mad in a weird sort of way. To an extent she dismissed the fears he had expressed, like worrying about college and finances and such, and that pissed me off. Because he was right. Growing up is a terrifying idea, especially at this age! (He was 18, just a month from graduation.) It's scary and she didn't seem to understand the struggle that he had been going through at that time. It pulled up some of my worries too, the ones I've been trying to ignore since hospitalization. His comment about things never getting better was completely valid, regardless of whether or not it's true. Sometimes it's impossible to imagine things ever improving, you know?
I dunno. I just got really frustrated with the entire thing. Tried clawing my arms (right at the bit where she mentioned physical pain to replace emotional pain, of course) but my nails are too short. :/ Oh well.
On a brighter note, thinspo!
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