Oh! Another good thing: weight is down again. 1.2 pounds down from yesterday, and I'm at my lowest weight since I've kept track. I'm finally finally FINALLY far enough from a BMI of 30 (medically obese) to feel safe. Well, reasonably safe. I'm at 29.4 right now.
At my highest weight I had a BMI of 33.4. I was disgusting. But that was way back in October, and I've lost 26 or so pounds since then. So yay! :)
V and I are texting, talking about dinner with the cast tonight... She's wheat and lactose intolerant. She used to be vegetarian, but since the intolerances have gotten bad she's a carnivore again, worried that she'll end up malnourished if she doesn't eat meat. She also told me that she gets bad stomach aches after eating, and that she gets motion-sickness if she eats before watching a play or movie. I'm kind of questioning this... Food intolerances I totally get; they're valid. But she's never said anything about it before, and I've never heard of food related motion sickness or motion sickness caused by just watching plays/movies/whatever. To be honest I'm kind of wondering if she isn't doing the same thing I am. Making excuses for not eating. She did say that "it's an effective weight loss technique though."
I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. She's very close to K, the friend recovering from anorexic tendency EDNOS, and V's had eating issues in the past. It feels like she's using ED behaviors, you know? On one hand, that's a terrifying and dangerous path to go down. One in five anorexics die from it, and I want her to be safe. We were best friends for two years, and good friends for several years after that. I don't want to lose her to this. I'm scared.
On the other hand... (I feel terrible for saying this.) If she did end up developing an eating disorder, I'd finally have someone to talk to. Someone close to me that understands this stupid need to be thin and have control. She's known me since I was ten. In some ways she knows me better than the other friends I had at that age. V would understand, and I wouldn't be so alone in this. She wouldn't be alone in this.
Granted, she's already in good shape: she's probably about 5'4" and... 140 pounds? I don't know, I'm terrible at guessing weights. But anyway, she's small but curvy. She looks good. Though if she did have an ED she wouldn't realize that. Lol.
I feel like a horrible person for saying all of this. D: A good friend wouldn't want their friend to be hiding an eating disorder. Not that I want her to! But, you know... This is dumb. I don't even know what I'm saying. Pardon my rambling,
Ultimately there's nothing I can do for her at this particular moment. I can't control her. But I can control me. I can control my eating. Last night at Mom's was great, btw. I made a salad for supper. 484 calories, but I added a few nuts for protein and avocado cause it's awesome. But yeah. Salad, and three cookies. Three fresh, warm, gooey chocolate chip cookies that are to die for. Nothing else. I was so proud of myself for not binging like normal. Mom had Oreos and the cookies and cereal and carrots and steak and cheddar brats, which I'll eat even with being sick from the meat cause they're AMAZING, but nope. I had none of it. So yesterday ended at 996 calories with 576 net. It was a good day. :)
I want to look like this. She's beautiful. <3
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