So I'm a touch confused.
For most of my life I've known that I had weird ideas when it came to relationships. Ok, that's nice, whatever. As I got old enough to understand sexuality I started to notice that despite being in a culture that praised men on high as sex symbols and as a woman's deepest desire, that ideal that was presented just didn't interest me. Sure, the concepts presented were good (taking pride in your appearance, showing emotions, etc), but something about it was wrong. I realized that the men portrayed in our culture didn't interest me.
I'm straight. And I'm bisexual. And I'm a lesbian. And I'm asexual.
None of this means anything to me, in regards to me, because I don't know what I am. Yes, needing to label and define everything is stupid, but I do it anyway. Sue me. I've never had any physical interest in men. Their bodies held no sexual interest for me. (Men's hands and eyes I like though. As manifestations of beauty and art and whatever.) (Shush it, loves.) Women, on the other hand, I find gorgeous. Women's bodies turn me one. So does androgyny, and drag queens. Dunno why. Both genders are attractive to me in regards to personality though.
In eighth grade I accidentally came out as bisexual to my friends. That's young, but my mom is a strong gay/transgender/whatever else supporter so I felt comfortable enough doing so. I can now say that was a mistake on so many levels.
The first was my friends. Two of them came out (privately, to me) as bisexual soon after, and one of them (mah gay bestie L) came out publicly as gay. For me it had been a slip-of-the-tongue thing at lunch one day, and once it was questioned I just didn't bother denying it. I liked guys and girls, so what; we were all mature enough to deal with that. Ha, yeah, no. Things got awkward, and people talked. My immediate group kinda got used to it and just teased me to death. One girl that I was best friends with in elementary school didn't take it so well though. It was actually K, the one hospitalized over the summer for anorexia, remember? Someone started a rumor that I had a crush on her, and when I confronted her on the last day of school about avoiding me, she basically just said, 'I can't deal with you being gay, we aren't friends anymore.' We hadn't been as close since high school started, but it still hurt like a bitch. I was pissed and it hurt. Over the summer she cooled down though, and she'd good friends now with both L and I. Well, decently good friends. She and I are nice to each other at least. Anyhoo.
My family also didn't take it very well. Let's see. I told Dad's mom, the gramma I see most often, about being bisexual (and an atheist) a year or two ago, and she took it pretty well. Mom told her mother that I was plain old gay last year. That kind of annoyed me, since it was neither her place to share that nor did I classify myself as gay at the time, but at least it was over with. Actually, that still annoys me. Grr. Neither of my grandpas know. I don't know what Dad's dad would say but I don't want to risk it, and Mom's dad would definitely be pissed. Let's just say I agree with the strong recommendations to keep that little secret from them.
I never actually told Dad face-to-face that I was gay. He'd shared some snarky joke or article or something on Facebook dissing gays and I got mad. Like a complete idiot I updated my own status to something like "That awkward moment when your dad posts homophobic pictures on Facebook right before you decide to come out..." Hey, I was 14. Don't judge me. :P He didn't say anything to me and just commented that he loves me no matter what. So that was over with. He's still a homophobic arse, but we've both chilled out and get along better about it.
Rumors spread quickly and I was teased about it for the rest of the year. For the rest of eighth grade one kid asked me every single day if I had a girlfriend yet, and another guy made sure to yell fag every time I was in ear shot. Overall though it wasn't too bad. My school has next to no bullying so coming out was relatively easy on that front.
C2 has known I'm weird since sixth or seventh grade, long before I told anyone else. He never really took it seriously or treated it like a big deal, which I appreciated most of the time. A few years ago C3 was spouting homophobic bullshit that she heard from her dad, so I sat her down to explain the facts of life. Some guys like girls. Some guys like guys. Some guys don't like anything. It's really no big deal as long as it's about love. Right? I told her I was bisexual too, and she took it... alright. She was freaked out but didn't seem to much care, I guess. C4 is still too young to understand, of course, and C5 will smile no matter what I tell him. Lol.
Mom was the last person I told directly, and I think it was the worst. A few days after the Facebook incident I texted Mom explaining what had happened, and she pretty much said ok. But when I got to her house later that week she sat me down and basically said that she wasn't taking it seriously and I was too young to know that and it was just a phase. I was so fucking pissed, and that was about when I started cutting on my upper arms. I still don't think she fully believes me, but there's not much I can do about that.
So I came out as bisexual and held that for a few years. Within the last 18 months or so I've considered myself a lesbian but didn't really say it out loud. Cause I figured it wasn't that big of a deal and no one particularly cared.
But then within the last two months or so I've started being interested in guys. Their personalities and their bodies, which was totally new and confusing.
It's like my brain has realized, "Hey, you're female! Go forth and multiply." Fucking scumbag brain.
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