I've been so massively triggered the last fe days and I don't know why. It's fucking frustrating. The thought of eating makes me dizzy and sends my anxiety through the roof (and yet I can't stop eating. Fucking masochist) and all I can focus on for more than three seconds at a time is cutting. Gods I want it. This is ridiculous. I want the pain. I want to feel whole again. I want that elated control I get from it. I want to see my blood, to see it flowing down my arm like water again. I haven't had that in a long time. Even before I stopped/"stopped" I couldn't cut worth shit. I wouldn't bleed. I need to see my arms sliced up again. I need to know that I have wounds hidden. It grounds me, like I can get through all of this shit because I have a secret, I have a safety, I have control. I need it. My razors are in my coat pocket, every single one of them and I'd be noticed if I went downstairs after them. I can't do this. I can't. Why is this suddenly so hard? I'm scared.
It's day 101.
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